It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
