Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
