his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
