Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
