the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
