I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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