totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
