plz talk dirty to me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
