I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
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let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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