I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
