did you get engaged???
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
