I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
