she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
