She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
