dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
