I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
