Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
