I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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