I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
did i walk over a car last night?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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