He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
