the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
