I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
