were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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