Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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