I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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