and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
