she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
