i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
This can only be settled by a dance off.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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