Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
