How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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