Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
