i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
