So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
