btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
