It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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