Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
