he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
