Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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