Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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