the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
