That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
