Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
