i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
