I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
