this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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