turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
