I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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