I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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