If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He? As in you personified your dick?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
