I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
