My underwear smells like fireworks.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
