I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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