He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
