Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How external is "for external use only"?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
