Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
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vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
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I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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