Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
