My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
