We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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