Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
