He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am available for nakedness
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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