Will you blow on my dice?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
